Pandemic, Insecurities and Having to ‘Love Myself’
Self-love is a concept that everyone is familiar with but very rarely are we fully able to embrace it. Either we have no emotional capacity just to love yourselves or it makes us feel guilty. But why does a simple thing like ‘loving myself’ become such a difficult thing to achieve? The past two years have made the whole world hold its breath, anxiously waiting for a release. Up until then we had all been living like Sisyphus: going by our day-to-day lives where everyday is the same with no promise of a change and we never stopped for a second to question anything! I can personally say that the pandemic helped me regain myself and which again is a very privileged statement that I am able to give. Till then I was just trying to live the life of a ‘model student’, giving my best to score straight A’s, putting up with all the pressure that came my way and blatantly ignoring self-love. But this pandemic taught me to come out of my shell of this ‘model student’ and be ‘Puja Krishnatraya’. Up until then I had been resting my dreams, my ambitions and my passion which bubbled up to the surface of my brain at once and helped me in living one of the best times in my life. I had found love in BTS’s songs that had given me strength through any panicky or anxious situation. Listening to their ‘Answer: Love Myself’ song always made all the pain go away. That’s another thing I am thankful for in this pandemic. I gave in to habits I had always thought of taking up but was too ‘busy’ to take up.
But all this while I had been forgetting something very important. All this while up until sometime back, I had been completely ignoring and even sidelining my mental health. But did I finally look into my mental health? Yes! But only when it bounced back as if saying ‘You can’t ignore me anymore!’ I had been saying up until then to myself that I finally am able to love you. How wrong was I? When I saw how many insecurities I had set up for myself, how many worries I had given into, how many problems I had surrounded myself with, I couldn’t muster any courage or emotion to love myself. At some point maybe I even hated myself. I often observed my thought patterns, my insecurities and my fears and tried to understand myself in vain. I couldn’t understand my bizarre fears and insecurities and tried to laugh them off. But everything always bounced back. I was meeting a ‘new’ me again, only that I didn’t like myself this time. I never thought that I could have any sort of illogical and irrational insecurities. It was always like running away from some part in me only that I had now given in. And when so much goes on in your head you wish for an emotional release right? In the past I had even felt guilty if I released my emotions which again bounced back onto me this time. I could tear up at almost anything and that would welcome a breakdown. Either a scolding from a family member to the death of a fictional character, were easy to tear me up.
Sometimes not being able to take the pressure I would blast songs with earphones on or just storm off to some corner in my house away from anyone. Sometimes I would look at photos of my childhood and that would make me question: what went wrong and what else will be wrong in the future? I had been ruminating over the ‘lost happy times’ and over how everything snapped in front of my eyes out of the blue. But what exactly did go wrong? I would look up articles online about anything I felt and would then keep reminding myself about the fact that my behaviour is still ‘normal’. I would for any particular lyric in BTS’s songs that would ‘justify’ my behaviour and the guilt I have been feeling. But I had once again resorted to outside approval to love myself which was made clear in Namjoon’s this particular line in the song ‘Answer: Love Myself’: ‘Even loving myself I needed someone else’s approval.’
Everyday whenever I felt like I was understanding myself little by little something would snap again. But I have to deal with it. I have learnt a few things from my experience that I wish to keep forever:
Acceptance: Whether it be any unconventional or unwanted thought, feeling or emotion don’t discard it because it came out of us. No feeling is violating to oneself and it is okay to feel things in different ways as you grow up. There is no need to beat yourself up for it.
You are the only constant: Ever found yourself constantly thinking about other people and their feelings and almost forgetting about yourself? All of us have been there. But that’s when it hit me hard that I am the one living this life of mine and it is up to me how I wish it to be. After all, the only person who will always be there for you, no matter how bizarre, unwanted or silly the situation is, is you yourself!
Love Myself: Do I love myself? Sometimes yes and sometimes not at all! But it is somehow easier to not love myself than to. That is why I say that I am still ‘learning how to love myself’. It is not easy. You tend to think of other people, that you are not doing anything and even to the extent that you are a bad person. But the only bad thing you do is discard your own personal space. So just try to weigh down the no to yes little by little and love yourself.
At the end of every sad cry, every miserable moment, every bad day, every silly feeling, every breakdown, every smile, every happy moment, every dream and every achievement is standing one person forever constantly beneath the blinding sun, the cloudy skies, the foggy veils, the starry midnights, the shooting stars. And that person is you forever. So let us take a step towards loving ourselves and embrace all our flaws one by one and forgive ourselves for any mistake we have made.
